I found out today after a great deal of stress and headaches, tears and frustration, that I am not pregnant. So, I'm going to do what should have been done (not for a lack of trying) a long time ago. I'm going to get my tubes clamped.
Anyone that knows us, knows that this has been a nightmare for us. I've been told I'm too young, that we might change our minds (WTF?? We have FOUR kids, we ain't changing our minds), to what happens if we break up and my next partner wants to have a baby.
I find that this decision has put me at a bit of a crossroads emotionally. On one hand, I think that this will be a good thing to do. We will be more free to do what we want without worrying about remembering pills or condoms and the constant worry about when I'm ovulating. We can finish school, build our careers and do all that we do with our kids now, without worrying about taking away from them in the name of yet another child.
We can buy a house, we can buy new vehicles, we will have more money to do all the things that we've been talking about doing. We won't have yet one more child to put through college and wonder how we are going to come up with tuition. We might (fingers crossed) be able to retire when we are ready to, rather than have to wait and work until we are into our 60's or 70's.
On the other hand...I feel like I'm losing something. I feel like I will be less of a woman because I am, in essence, terminating one of my functions. I feel as though I will no longer be of use because I will no longer be able to have children. Yeah, I'm a little weird like that.
I can't help but think about all this even though the idea that I might be pregnant put a horrible strain on my relationship with my Love. We've both been stressed, irritable, scared, emotional...It's been awful. The time we have spent together when he's been home has been stained with this fear hanging over our heads. His, for reasons that I won't put down here, but be assured that they are good ones. Mine, because of all those nifty little insecurities that were and are running rampant in my neurotic mind.
I worried that he was going to leave me. Why? Anyone that knows him and knows him well, will tell you that he is the most loyal, devoted, loving man that I've ever had and they've ever met. I worried because when I was pregnant with my daughter, her father accused me of getting pregnant to trap him, to force him to stay with me. He ranted and raved about how he didn't want the child we were going to have. I know what the strain of an unwanted pregnancy can do to a relationship and I didn't want it happening to us.
Even now that I know I'm not pregnant, I worry. What if I get the surgery done and we change our mind? What if he realizes that I really have no purpose now that I can't have children?
It's a vicious cycle and one that we will get through, given time. He's stood beside me through the hardest part of my life thus far and never wavered or made me doubt his love for a minute. I know he won't start now. I just have to trust as I have been doing and our love and faith in each other will carry us through.
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