I've learned a lot of things in the course of my life and I think that the one that makes me happiest and saddest all at the same time, is the fact that when a hard time comes up in your life, you learn who your friends are.
I'm not talking about fair weather friends, though you learn who they are in your life as well. I mean that you learn who your real, true-blue, never turn their backs on you for a second friends are. The people that care about you no matter what, that never judge but give you a shoulder to cry on.
Those who know me well, know that I have been through a very rough few years, and know what all those few years entailed, I'll spare the details for now, because I'm not sure that I want to write about it for the consumption of the general public...suffice it to say that my life sucked for a few years and the last two have been so much better than my life has ever been.
During my hard times, I found out that when life gets difficult, only your real friends stand by you. Only they support you and hold you up and if it wasn't for my true friends, I'd still be lost in the depths and darkness that I plunged myself into. They know who they are, and I thank them for all their love and support.
I wonder why it is that this phenomenon happens. Why is it, when you need people the most, they turn their backs on you? I mean, if it was something that you had direct control over, and did to be malicious and vindictive, I could understand that. When it's something that has happened that no one intended to happen...why is it so hard to live up to your obligation as a friend?
Because the person affected can no longer focus solely on the issues of everyone else? That seems moderately selfish to me. Is it because suddenly, the person affected is asking for more than the 'friend' is willing to give? That seems likely.
Maybe it's a mystery that no one will ever figure out, but I'm glad I know who my real friends are and who means it when they tell me they love me.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sacrifice of a Woman
I was talking to an old friend of mine earlier today on Facebook. She had messaged me and another friend of ours saying that it would be fun for us to get our respective families together for a barbecue at a local park. The kids can play, the men can bond and talk about whatever men do, and we three girls could sit back, reminisce, and do as old friend normally do.
I said that this weekend would be best, because my man will be home from work up around the oil sands where he goes for weeks at a time. I did add that if she just wanted to do a girls night, then we could do that too. So, we started making arrangements for this weekend...then things changed a bit.
My friend said how she would love to have a girls night out, for us to get together, go for dinner, laugh talk, maybe go dancing, maybe go back to someones house (probably mine because my man is gone and there are no kids here) and drink wine, talk, laugh some more and talk about old times and present times and where we want to be in the future. She said it had been a long time since she had gone out and had fun...that everything had become about her husband and her kids. She said that she felt as though somewhere she had lost herself in the mix. As expected, she immediately felt guilty for saying that, feeling that she was being horribly selfish and in a small way that she was betraying her family and thinking that she was a bad person for feeling this way.
I immediately told her that she had no business apologizing for speaking her feelings. I also told her that it's common to feel that way, and there is no need to feel guilty. We as women, somewhere, somehow, do lose ourselves after getting married and especially after we have children.
Suddenly, life isn't just about us. We have others to care for. We are cooks, maids, accountants, financial planners, baby sitters, chauffeurs, seamstresses, mediators, nurses, meal planners, nutritionists, errand boys...We put on so many different hats in a day that we forget one important thing...We forget about ourselves.
We spend so much time taking care of everyone else, that we forget about our needs. We forget that we need time to ourselves, that we need spoiling now and then. We forget that we need to feel pretty and that most of all we need to do things for ourselves. For some strange reason, we become the lowest thing on our priority list. Then when we realize it, we feel bad for thinking of ourselves.
I can't tell you the number of times I went without something I needed because I could think of things that my husband needed or that my daughter needed. Even now on occasion, I find myself thinking that the children may need something or my boyfriend may need something and their needs go above my own. He is usually pretty quick to remind me that if I want it, it's ok to have it.
The realization that it's alright to be selfish and to do things for myself, didn't come over night. Once I made the painful decision to send my daughter to live with her dad, I had a long hard time remembering that I didn't need to go without anymore. I know now that I never needed to go without, but I had brainwashed myself into thinking that I had to. I had to force myself to buy a lipstick that I wanted, or a bra that I needed because the one I had was mangled nearly beyond recognition.
I remember feeling overwhelmingly guilty. I could have sent that money to my daughter so she could buy herself something. I could have sent it to her dad to take her for dinner on me, or to buy her clothes or stuff for her lunch box. Eventually, I started to realize that it was nice to do those little things for myself...that I actually felt better that I did it.
Ladies, remember that it's not always a day at the spa or salon or a fancy dinner out (though those things are amazing!!). Sometimes it's the little things we do for ourselves that help.
He says "Do you like it? Do you love it? Will it make you happier to have it?" If the answer to all of those is yes...then go ahead, buy it. Do something for yourself. Your kids aren't going to die because you didn't buy them an ice cream cone or their 123,232,985th toy. Your husbands world isn't going to end because he has to go a couple of days without his Tim Hortons, he can take a travel mug of coffee from home to work for a change.
You sacrifice everything for everyone else. It won't kill them to sacrifice something for you now and then.
I said that this weekend would be best, because my man will be home from work up around the oil sands where he goes for weeks at a time. I did add that if she just wanted to do a girls night, then we could do that too. So, we started making arrangements for this weekend...then things changed a bit.
My friend said how she would love to have a girls night out, for us to get together, go for dinner, laugh talk, maybe go dancing, maybe go back to someones house (probably mine because my man is gone and there are no kids here) and drink wine, talk, laugh some more and talk about old times and present times and where we want to be in the future. She said it had been a long time since she had gone out and had fun...that everything had become about her husband and her kids. She said that she felt as though somewhere she had lost herself in the mix. As expected, she immediately felt guilty for saying that, feeling that she was being horribly selfish and in a small way that she was betraying her family and thinking that she was a bad person for feeling this way.
I immediately told her that she had no business apologizing for speaking her feelings. I also told her that it's common to feel that way, and there is no need to feel guilty. We as women, somewhere, somehow, do lose ourselves after getting married and especially after we have children.
Suddenly, life isn't just about us. We have others to care for. We are cooks, maids, accountants, financial planners, baby sitters, chauffeurs, seamstresses, mediators, nurses, meal planners, nutritionists, errand boys...We put on so many different hats in a day that we forget one important thing...We forget about ourselves.
We spend so much time taking care of everyone else, that we forget about our needs. We forget that we need time to ourselves, that we need spoiling now and then. We forget that we need to feel pretty and that most of all we need to do things for ourselves. For some strange reason, we become the lowest thing on our priority list. Then when we realize it, we feel bad for thinking of ourselves.
I can't tell you the number of times I went without something I needed because I could think of things that my husband needed or that my daughter needed. Even now on occasion, I find myself thinking that the children may need something or my boyfriend may need something and their needs go above my own. He is usually pretty quick to remind me that if I want it, it's ok to have it.
The realization that it's alright to be selfish and to do things for myself, didn't come over night. Once I made the painful decision to send my daughter to live with her dad, I had a long hard time remembering that I didn't need to go without anymore. I know now that I never needed to go without, but I had brainwashed myself into thinking that I had to. I had to force myself to buy a lipstick that I wanted, or a bra that I needed because the one I had was mangled nearly beyond recognition.
I remember feeling overwhelmingly guilty. I could have sent that money to my daughter so she could buy herself something. I could have sent it to her dad to take her for dinner on me, or to buy her clothes or stuff for her lunch box. Eventually, I started to realize that it was nice to do those little things for myself...that I actually felt better that I did it.
Ladies, remember that it's not always a day at the spa or salon or a fancy dinner out (though those things are amazing!!). Sometimes it's the little things we do for ourselves that help.
- Taking a hot bath with rose petals in the water (You can get them free at flower shops if you ask really nice) and candles and soft music
- Go out for wine with the girls and laugh and talk and forget you have a family for a couple of hours
- Go to your room for half an hour with a good book and a cup of tea. Call a friend, grab a coffee, sit in your room and chat on the phone for an hour
- Paint your nails, making sure that your toenails are some wild and crazy color
- Buy that tube of lipstick or gloss
He says "Do you like it? Do you love it? Will it make you happier to have it?" If the answer to all of those is yes...then go ahead, buy it. Do something for yourself. Your kids aren't going to die because you didn't buy them an ice cream cone or their 123,232,985th toy. Your husbands world isn't going to end because he has to go a couple of days without his Tim Hortons, he can take a travel mug of coffee from home to work for a change.
You sacrifice everything for everyone else. It won't kill them to sacrifice something for you now and then.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The Beginning is the Best Place to Start.
In the immortal words of Daniel Cook, "HERE WE ARE!!"
*chuckles* That's kind of like the sign in the mall with the big red star on it that says, "You are here."
That leaves me to assume that you are thinking, "Where the fuck is here?" Let me tell you.
Here, is my blog. This is my dim little corner of the internet where I will post random thoughts and rants on a variety of subjects. I'll discuss everything from cooking to kink, kids to pets, love to hate. This is meant to be cathartic for me, healing, something to help me keep my fractured psyche from breaking completely. I will write about things in my life, current events, TV shows...whatever inspires me on any given day to write.
I'll warn people now that I may be offensive to some. I might insult people inadvertently, and please believe me, it's not intentional...unless of course I specifically mention a name and then proceed to insult them.
On occasion, I will post writings from other places, from other times, so people can see where I've been and what I've been doing to make myself better as a person, as a mom, as a lover and as a human being in general.
This is my happy place.
*chuckles* That's kind of like the sign in the mall with the big red star on it that says, "You are here."
That leaves me to assume that you are thinking, "Where the fuck is here?" Let me tell you.
Here, is my blog. This is my dim little corner of the internet where I will post random thoughts and rants on a variety of subjects. I'll discuss everything from cooking to kink, kids to pets, love to hate. This is meant to be cathartic for me, healing, something to help me keep my fractured psyche from breaking completely. I will write about things in my life, current events, TV shows...whatever inspires me on any given day to write.
I'll warn people now that I may be offensive to some. I might insult people inadvertently, and please believe me, it's not intentional...unless of course I specifically mention a name and then proceed to insult them.
On occasion, I will post writings from other places, from other times, so people can see where I've been and what I've been doing to make myself better as a person, as a mom, as a lover and as a human being in general.
This is my happy place.
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